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I had a pretty good day today. I was doing a lil shopping when Steven texted me for the freeway exit for the Carlsbad Outlet mall. I asked if i could join him and he said thats why he texted me. I really wanted to see him since I knew that he was going to be gone for a long time. He needed a new coat and some new shoes. We went to wilsons leather and he tried on some different jackets as i was the yay/nay sayer. He told me he appreciated that i was there helping him out. As we were looking at jackets, he asked me if there was one that i liked.. PSSSSHH.. like i was going to let him buy me a hundred dollar jacket. Granted, he could more than afford it, but damn, I can't do that.. not yet. I think it's too soon. We went shoe shopping and again, he offered to buy me a pair.. i said no and told me not to cry when i dont have any shoes. haha.. too cute.

I feel so good after i spend time with him. I feel so alive, so confident, so happy. It's just so crappy that he has to leave. But trying to look at the positives in everything, I did get to see him today. And i think we had a really good time. What he thinks, i dont know. But i do know that he likes me.

I cant help but wonder..

When will this end? How will it end.. and then theres that small minute chance that it will never end. I worked out today.. pushing my body to the brink of nature itself... wondering if pain and pleasure alwayswent hand in hand. like yin and yang.. if this like all things that brought pleasure... had to also come with pain. If i could endure anymore pain.. was the question. Cause Im just one muthafucka away from checking myself into the nut bin.. not that i need to be there....

but id rather deal with cute orderlys in scrubs... than deal with a bunch of stupid mother fuckin men who are too senseless and self centered to care about anyone else but them.Im not perfect.. far from it; but i do pretty well pretending to be perfect.

Ive gotten my temper together..i still have small moments of aggression. Meditation helps.. I dont have this jealousy thing going on.

He started looking at me.. differently lately.. that endless gaze that attempts to communicate on some level that I have feelings for you that just wont go past my lips... (for now). Or.. that gaze that says Im just looking for something in your eyes thatsays i canlet go.. let go of my emotions... open up my soul.

end story...

Last night I had a dream about steven. It was basically just reliving the moment in the truck.. Me sitting in his lap, looking into his eyes.. kissing him feeling him.. it was sooo nice.. In my dream, I got up off his lap and i all of a sudden woke up, to a damn charlie horse! That shit hurt soooo fucking bad. My left calf was pretty sore this morning.

When i woke up around 830ish i thought to myself.. "that was a damn good dream minus the charlie horse.. and i dont have to work!!!!!" It was awesome! Even tho the first thing i had to do was do my drive times and hours/exceptions for the pay period. but then i really didnt have to do any more work stuff. I didnt know what to do with myself. I thought about going to the casino, but decided against it when i didnt receive my expense check.

Talked to my steven. He had a busy day, i'm just glad I could make it a little lighter. I just stayed on the phone on speakerphone while he worked. I just enjoyed sharing the moment. But i found out some crappy news!!! Hes going out of town on friday, and i thought he was going to be coming home before the 24th but turns out he's not coming back until the 28th.. That soooo messes up all the plans.. all the things i wanted to do to him.. arggg.. the life of dating a surgeon... But figures.. This is what always happens. When you like someone a LOT .. they end up having to go away. Whyyyyyy.. lol hes going out of town feb 4-6 too.. or something like that.. wonder if he'll even think about making it up to me for valentine's day...haha right.

well...today was almost perfect aside from the usual things...you know homework, friends....but then it had gone bad all because i was standing in the corridor, waiting for my friends in the opposite class.... well.. theres a dude in my school, who i used to treat as a bro and he used to treat me like a sis....we used to annoy each other, but then one day he got pissed at me annoying him and stoped talking to me, that was like about more than 2 months ago...then today... i'll just discride it to you, the "G" is me and the "E" extras , the "D" is door to my friends classroom and the "J" is the dude that got pissed at me.

____________________________________________________________________ E E E E E E EEEEEEEEEE EEE EE EE E EE G E EE E E E EE E E E E EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEJEEEEEEEEEEEE _________________D________________________________________________

As you can see... there were many people there, it was a busy corridor, but i was there even though it wasn't busy....i mean the whole corridor was almost full from all the students waiting and rushing.... i guess he was rushing as well...but then there were many others there who were pushing him, i moved a bit so that i could give him space and then he shouts at me?! talk about rude....i mean that totally pissed me off...and runed my day.......

Later

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 - 9 months with Guillian Barre'

The ventilator has been removed and we are all so thankful. Ron said he can swallow better now! He continues to get in the neurochair daily and sit up on the side of the bed. Thank you Johnny for taking Ron for a ride around the hospital. He enoyed looking outside and seeing other scenery besides his hospital room. Keep praying for feeling and movement in his extremities and that God will give Ron strength and endurance as he deals with this illness.

老同学

这几天来自澳洲的老同学来访, 多年后的相聚, 再没有比这更令人开心的事了, 一杯茶, 一盘瓜子, 三天内想把三十年的峥嵘岁月聊个痛快, 我们谈话速度像机关枪, 思路跳跃轻盈, 人说三个女人一台戏, 我们俩个不惑之年的女人轻而易举地唱了一台半的戏, 阵阵的说笑声让旁听的小猫乐肥露出惊诧的表情, 它一定认为主人和客人都错乱了.

五年同窗, 同学间的认识是平视的效果, 几十年后的彼此的了解就是立体的了. 我们聊得最多的不是事业的成就也不是生活得失, 而是我们在多变的环境中如何调整心态的经验. 不论你是明星还是普通的家庭妇女, 中年女人的生活质量在很大程度上取决于她调整心态的功力.

遥想当年, 走出学校, 跨出国门, 青春的心追求发展的欲望像潮水一样挡都挡不住, 义无反顾地全力冲出了地理的限制, 几十年过去了, 他乡的山水草木, 世态炎凉把女孩变成女人, 成熟的女人, 不会徒劳过分地修饰外表了, 她比任何时候都更加懂得面对自己的内心.

岁月流逝方显女人本色, 在为老公生, 为儿子活了二十年后的今天, 是时候扪心自问下半生究竟要一个怎样的活法. 我们懂得, 一个人一天只吃三顿饭, 只睡一张床, 精神上的富足让我们潇洒地告别昨日的幼稚, 勇敢地承认既往的失误, 用坎坷磨练出的智慧和对生活热爱的激情去编织一个五彩缤纷的未来.